The Fears, The Self-esteem, and The Doubts

What I learned from being drunk this past weekend.

I’m insecure.

Well to be totally honest I am very insecure. It sucks to have to deal with your past and having to make yourself believe that you got this. The truth is, I don’t. All my negative thoughts are a mess in my head and they keep repeating themselves every time I have to go to sleep. I know I rant about my depression OVER AND OVER on this blog but really, it’s all I ever think about and I CAN’T HELP IT.

How do I get over this? I honestly don’t know. But here’s one thing I know: I know life doesn’t revolve around insecurities. Outside of them, I am happy (well, happy enough… or at least neutral) with my life. I do not think of them all the time, just when I unfortunately bump into my human insecurities.

Human. That’s what I keep remembering. I am only human, I have feelings, and I just need to see it as part of life. We all have to deal with a lot of things one way or another and these things, no matter how negative, make life much more bearable and much more colorful. It doesn’t seem like it, but it’s true. Feel everything, as Morrie (Tuesdays with Morrie) says, but at some point you have to let it go.

It’s taken me almost three years, lemon. Do you remember why I used to call you that? Because you were so sad to have missed Christmas with your family. At that point, hearing you say that made me a little better because I knew then that I was not alone. I thought for a while I was being a big baby for missing Christmas with my relatives (who I absolute hate btw) but you were bitter WITH me. That was amazing. I wish finding my happiness did not entail hurting you in the process, but it did and I am sorry. I hope someday you find the one you are destined to be with. I’d be the first one to be happy when you do. I miss you and I wish you the best.

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