Dealing with the “why’s”
Not known to everyone, I was applying to shift to another course this coming school year. To make the stakes even higher, rejection to the program would mean that my spot in the university is in jeopardy.
Given this, I was in complete shock and depression when I saw that I did not make it to the list of qualified applicant for shifting to my degree program of choice. For a few moments (well, hours) I sat alone and smoked two cigarettes wondering what went wrong. Did I say something wrong in the interview? Did I seem disinterested? Aloof? Why did they reject me? Were my grades not high enough? Am I not worthy of a spot in this program?
Quite frankly, I wanted to give up. I wanted to jump off the nearest tall building I could find (which was not very far, mind you). I wanted to scream and run to school (at 10pm) and demand answers as to why they did not think I was worthy of a spot in their program. I knew I did my best and I knew I gave everything I’ve got. What went wrong? What could I have done better? And the worst question: Where do I go from here?
It is very easy to run away from everything, and by run away from everything I meant death. Depression and anxiety forces me to think of the best exit and of course, in the cycle of life, that is the worst. How do you keep a positive attitude when nothing is going according to plan? This is still the question I am trying to answer. At this very moment, I am not sure what is going to happen, but I was told that I need to do something—and whatever that is, I have to do it happily.
The first time I’m hearing this, all the alarms in my brain went off. You see, my brain has an aversion to seeing the positive side of things. It is easier to imagine scenarios that lead to my ultimate doom. Finding light amidst darkness is something I was not trained to do, but I know it’s something I needed right now. How do I do something that I am not used to doing? How do I keep fighting when I feel like before we start I’m already losing?
Patience. One step at a time. Happily do your best.
Pieces of advice I’ve heard in the last three hours. Patience to deal with problems ahead. Things happen. Life’s like that. But the secret is to keep going. Stop, plan, and execute. One step at a time. Don’t think about the end goal when you haven’t decided on the steps. And once you’ve figured out all your options, change your vibrations and do all things with a happy demeanor. Reject all nervousness, reject all negativity, and embrace life with all it has to offer.
I am going to admit that as I am writing this, my heart is numb and my brain is still trying to reject everything I just wrote down. This is new, and learning new skills is hard. But you have to keep going, riding all the waves, and accepting everything as a piece of a very beautiful end goal. My mom always told me that those who suffer most in life are meant for great things. You are being prepared for something great. Believe that, and all things will fall into place.
Please pray for me as I pass my appeal for reconsideration in five hours. Much love. xo