For this month at least.
You girls know this. That time of the month, every month, that fills our bodies with hormones we don’t want. It’s been a very busy month for me, it being the end of the semester and all. I’ve been generally tired, physically and emotionally. I try to get by everyday, one step at a time, by watching YouTube videos.
Recently, I watched the mini clips from Grey’s Anatomy (one of my favorite shows EVER) and they played this song. I literally cried my eyes out, searched for the VEVO version of the music, then cried some more. Don’t get me wrong, I am in a loving relationship and I am happy with my boyfriend. It’s just that there are just these moments when you feel so… alone. I am in this place where I try not to leech on people and demand time and attention because I know they have lives too you know? But what happens when you’re in desperate need of a person? Where do you go?
This song spoke waves. I don’t want to be this negative cloud around people but it’s quite difficult, not just during that time of the month. It just feels like you need someone to save you, but you don’t want to end up dragging the people around you down. The first rule of survival when drowning in the sea is to punch whoever tries to cling to you for help because both of you will just end up drowning. In desperate attempt to save the people around me, I momentarily let them go. Let them hang out with other people, speak with them less, reach out to them less. I’m no martyr, but I do love these people and if it means I have to suffer alone in order to lessen their worries, I would.
On a selfish note though, I wish someone could look back and ask if I’m okay. Ask what I need. Ask if I need help.
Confusing isn’t it? That push and pull. Letting go, but wanting them to notice you. Sacrificing, and then demanding. It’s frustrating! But if anything, I believe in dialectics. You have to find the right balance, that point where both poles are pulling with the same force that everything becomes still. How long that lasts? I don’t know. But right now, I’m managing the push and pull. Everyday, you strike that balance, or at least try. More importantly, you put your faith in your loved ones that when they leave you for some time to breathe, THEY WILL COME BACK. That’s what I’m holding on to. Hold on to the sturdy floating device: your beliefs, your strength, your principles. Those things will save you. The people around you can only do so much. You have to first trust yourself, find your inner voice. You have to be okay in being alone so that it would not be so crippling when you find yourself without your loved ones. You have to be okay in being alone so that paranoia will not creep in and tell you that no one’s coming for you.
Keep dancing on your own.